Memoirs from the waiting lounge

*ding dong*(static) a very alien sounding accent is the next thing I hear on the PA system of the airport as I am checking in the luggage for my fight much to my dismay the lady on the PA system announces that the flight will be delayed by another 1 hour, at least I managed to understand this much from among the language rape of what she thought was English. Cursing the system and the Govt for no reason,rather out of natural instinct, I make my way to the waiting lounge of the airport, I find my self a seat next to a an old gentlemen reading a newspaper, finally THe Count has a place to sit and relax while he waits for the much awaited and abnormally delayed flight.

While sitting I thought to myself,”this place gotta have a wi-fi connection” so I turn on to scan around, I catch a few connections but none seem to be connecting,and I see one connection belonging to a rather famous chocolate cafe, WHICH I COMPLETELY ABHOR, so I try to go all “hacker” on it an start guessing the password for their wifi :p, after maybe 20 unsuccessful attempts and boredom building up I decide against my complete will to go over there and buy my self a smoothie :p (yes I love smoothies don’t judge me I keel you) I get that smoothie ask them the password and start making my way back to the waiting lounge, when I laid my eyes on the lounge this time I froze in my tracks, with an extremely confused look on my face the smoothie straw in my mouth and my mind trying to process what I was looking at.The waiting lounge which 10 mins ago was pretty much empty, I now crawling with people, no crawling is an understatement it was overflowing with people, a tubby bearded fellow with his slippers off an his feet on the seat was sitting talking on the phone in “punjabi” in the loudest voice ever, “your screaming in the mouth piece wont make the listener hear better” you chicken stuffed retard. little children were crying in ear bleeding synchronization like a toddler crying orchestra band, I looked at their moms an I wanted to just unload a clip full of bullets in all of em, then I saw like a group of maybe 15 people of the same family, it looked like they had travelled from a village or some distant rural place an were heading back home, they must have had like 2 dozen hand carry bags with them, then things wrapped together in cloths like bundles, the only things I could picture missing was may be a handful of chickens and a goat or two, just then I spotted a seat to sit near by as I was ruthlessly pushing myself towards it I passed by the rural group, I don’t remember what happened after that cuz I think my memory got erased when I fainted due to the incredibly strong stench of sweat,oil, and god knows what went in my nostrils emanating from the males in that group. My nose hair had burned up, my nostrils wanted to choke themselves to death an I wanted to just kill myself right there and then, I was thinking if we would ever go to war with another country we wouldn’t need WMDs to fight em, we could just release these guys on them, I would bet all the money in the world we would win that war in a matter of mins.

I managed to regain consciousness and pray to God with all my heart and sincerity in faith that not to make me sit next to these people on the plane, I did not want to die this young, alone and a virgin, ;p. As I scanned around I spotted a couple of complete wannabe foreigns who look like they jumped straight out of a hollywood movie, guys with big ass headphones hanging around their necks wearing hoodies/jackets in the middle of the friggin summer, same ol converse which went out of fashion 4 years ago, rapper skull caps an stuff, please kill yourself now, I saw the married couples talking together at times while being completely preoccupied with attending to their kids.
The regular corporates sitting in their suits with their blackberrys and blueberrys glued to their ears, sleek glasses. The “actual” foreigners, the amazingly cute looking british girl wearing a shalwar kameez with her dupatta lightly on her head,looking amazingly simple yet so beautiful…Siiigghhhhhh….sooo beautifulll…….ahem. And the ultra mod desi in her sleeveless tight fighting shirt with her skinnies and pencil heel shoes, makeup done to the very Tip of her eyelash,sitting being the object of everyone’s attention in the lounge…not me obviously I hate plastic girls….seriously.. I would chose that simple British girl in the shalwar kameez anyway over this plastic desi Madonna.

Finally I notice cigeratte smoke emerging from behind me, I remember that the airport was declared as a no smoking zone quite sometime ago soo what kind of a illiterate, retarded numbskull would be smoking, I turn around to find a politician,yes I’m not evening joking, a politician sitting behind me with his shoes off an his socks off an his feet on the seat,smoking, aoh its gets better, Mr.politician left no ettiquettes un turned and kept me entertained with burping occasionally, 5 sec intervals with loud bursts of burps. Soo my assumption of a illiterate numbskull retard was actually correct, I looked towards him nodded in disapproval an disgust,making sure he saw it an I turned around, although I felt like going up to him an punching his face in, but nahh they grow back up.

After I couldn’t take any more of it, the PA system buzzed again and the woman with the “alien” English announced that our flight was ready for boarding, never before in my life I loved to hear these words in retarded English than I did right now. Now it was time for the next adventure “boarding and taking off” but on that I shall wait :). Cheers

Bananas and Monkeys (Adapted)

So a few days ago i was reading this post, which had been adapted from yet another post, hence the original source was unknown. I found it quite amusing yet it gave out a very realistic lesson. Let me just share what it was, apparently the blog post was based on some psychological experiment done with Monkeys, here it goes.

Start off with 5 monkeys in a cage.

Take a banana,tie it to a string and hang it from the top of the cage, and place a set of stairs under it.

a monkey will go towards the stairs and try to climb it to get the banana,as soon as  he touches the stairs spray all the other monkeys with cold water. After a while another monkey will try to climb the stairs,as soon as this happens spray the other monkeys with cold water again. Pretty soon when another monkey tries to make the same attempt all the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now you put away the cold water,remove one of the monkeys from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey looks at the banana and tries to go for it, but to his horror and surprise all the other monkeys attack him. He tries to go for it again in another attempt but faces the same result, now he knows that if he goes for it again he will be assaulted like before.

What you do next is remove another one of the five original monkeys and replace it with another new one. the new monkey goes to the stairs to get the banana and is attacked by the other four. the newcomer monkey which was placed before now becomes part of the assaulting party with the other three older monkeys with excitement and the 4 of them attack the latest newcomer monkey together.Similarly now replaced the 3rd older monkey with another newcomer, then the 4th and the 5th every time the newest monkey tries to go for the banana he is violently attacked by the other 4.

Most of the monkeys that are beating the newest monkey have no idea why they are not permitted to climb the stairs and why are they all participating together in beating the day lights out of the newest monkey.

After replacing the original 5 monkeys none of the new monkeys have been sprayed with cold water,nevertheless, none of the monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try an get the banana. But why not? it could be because as far as they know it has always been this way, or this is how things are done around here.

and that,my peeps, is how company policies are made 😀 and hierarchies function 😉

Are you Social Media Marketing..or Stalking Audiences?

Are you Social Media Marketing..or Stalking Audiences?.

Grinding Everyone’s Gears :D

1. Leave a queue of 20-25 documents in the printer line,10 pages each.
2. Go up to a co-worker,give her your “stud” pose and say “How you doin”
3. keep calling your colleague sitting next to you on their extension number and say ” I SEE YOUUU”. randomly dial an extension after every 10 mins and whoever picks up you say “Hello Sydney” in a raspy voice.
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. blow air in a tetra pack container of Milk or Juice,throw it on the ground yell “bomb in the hole” an jump on it. *BOOM*
6. Call up IT and ask them, “how do i use proxy servers for porn”.
7. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what you think.”
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc” them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Start all your sentences with the words “YOUR FACE”
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Honk and wave to strangers.
16. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
17. dont use any punctuation.
18. crouch forward on the steering wheel and drive really slow like an old person with Arthritis, shaking you head uncontrollably to all passing cars.
19. give way to someone else who wants to cross in front of you, but just as they start to cross, you cross first :P.
20. As much as possible, skip rather then walk.
21. Burp loudly while sitting in a restaurant or public place and pretend like you didnt do it.
22. Ask people what gender they are.
23. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
24. When listening to a good song with friends, start singing along loudly.
25. Go to a theatre, and occasionally keep saying ” Oh this is the best part you are gonna love it” out loud to friends, loudly say out theending of the movie to friends, so that every one hears it :P.

He loves me..He loves me not

Lo and behold it’s that day of the year again, hormones raging, emotions( and other things :p) on the peak of bursting, hearts pumping while some exploding, it’s the day of “reminding” today. Why “reminding” il come back to that later.

Girls and boys alike dressed in their finest red

 shirts and girls in the sexiest shortest clothes they can find get together an indulge in carnal feasts :p……ok so maybe not all the boys an girls, but form,most boys the V day in other words is like ” oh hell ya I get laid today” day, so ladies please don’t go gaga over the chocolate box or the flowers your guy is giving you, he just wants something. lets face it, we men ARE dogs…if not all, most….. I am joking, no V day is not about being sensual and indulging in bodily pleasures the whole day, I agree that it is about spreading and sharing the love two people old for each other and expressing it through spending some good quality time together. But what about people who don’t have anyone else to spend or share the love with, what about the pets who love you each and everyday,forever an ever……and why the hell is my favorite chocolate getting expensive every time this day comes….people don’t even eat the chocolate I like that much the whole year round. ITS AN INJUSTICE TO ME, AN INJUSTICE TO THE PETS AND AN INJUSTICE TO THE SINGLE PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD.

Girls get a chance to ask for the most expensive piece of jewellery,the best dress and/or the most out of reach brand of perfume or cosmetics, and if you fail to buy it for them on this day OMG “you don’t care about me at all,you dont love me you could even get that small,SMALL thing for me” they will give you so much hell that you will eat a dozen pills and then shoot yourself in the head just to knock out that nagging from inside it. And what do we get, a smiley “I love you”, I feel for the boys here who are so easily hypnotized by one chirpy “I love you” from their girlfriends, and that too is forced out of the girl sometimes,”it’s a simple I LOVE YOU woman the least you can do is say it back to me sweetly”.

Brands and companies go insane in particular during this day, preparing for the V day weeks before the actual day, I think V day is best spent by the Jews, they get to charge exuberant prices for the smallest of teddies, and left over candies on the verge of expiration, I can actually imagine them smiling dastardly with their little Jew caps an Mr. Scrooge beards going “hehehe moneyyyyyy fools moneyyyyyy”, for me valentines day is like a sponsored business holiday, a way to make all guys get off their lazy bums, go out an spend some money,just to keep their better halves in a good mood for one day. Dude they will be back to their nagging the next day sooo inside of getting them something to feel good about,once a year,trying keeping them happy on an off throughout the year,trust me you will save millions on this day then.

Another thing I hate is, what about your pets why can’t you spend valentines day with your pets, they love you no matter who,or what you are, 365 days a year,the least you could do is get something good for them on this day, Why not, I’m not saying that go an make out wit them too( yuck you sick people) how about just being nice to them on this day for a change “BE THEIR VALENTINE”…….in a completely non sensual way :). And what about the poor single folks, how long should they suffer this painful reminder every year, she watch with willful eyes and hopeful gazes,hoping that one day they will be able to celebrate valentines day with someone “real”, many a times these single noobs,out of frustration an dejection kill themselves, why can’t they be a part of V day? They deserve love too ( apart from one or two I know, they need a therapist) :p.

There should be a Anti-Valentines day just like everyone celebrates V day,for all the unloved,single,animals and everything in between,since Valentines day is all about spending money senselessly on stupid things while making your gal pals happy, the Anti-Valentines day could be for all single pals,girls and anyone who is smart enough to not buy into the whole corporate greed aspect, it could be a “spit in the face” day on all those lovey dovey couples from all the singles, the idea could be to celebrate happiness even if you are single or independent and how you don’t necessarily need to be in a relationship to be happy,how you don’t need to buy those expensive presents either.

Instead of having a valentines day party organize a Anti-Valentines day party,play some heartbreak music, make cookies shaped like broken hearts,instead of dressing in gay red, dress up in slick black,black roses, emo theme, I tell you it would be uber cool,cooler than Valentines actually.

I leave you guys now lost in your lovey dovey imaginations of spending your day in the arms of your lovers, while I go out an throw up in front of a hormonal couple about to make out :D.

DIGITARIUM

Facebook has integrated itself into our lives in a very systematic manner, it has linked itself with us in such a way that now we feel obliged to let it know about all and everything that is happening in our life before we let even our closest friends know about it,and we dont feel bad about it because oour closest friends are too busy doing the same :).

As Facebook gains an immensely powerful role in our digital existence, researchers have started looking into how the social network changes our perception of the lives lived by our friends and other family members, and how it effects us as a change.

According to some recent studies conducted by Sociologists at the Utah Valley University, they discovered that a person mental deposition about the life he lives in comparison to the life his friends, and even other family members live is correlated with…

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Sweet Sweet Revenge…;D

That bully in grade school who used to kick you around all the time during your school days and you couldn’t do anything to stop him..is standing in a parking lot one day talking on the phone..the same parking lot you park you car in everyday while going to the office..what do you do? what CAN you do?..ok so you can simply walk to your car like the pansy tushy you are and quietly drive off and thank god you lived to see another day…orrr…you could put that car in D2 and ram the living crap outta the bully (super evil smile)… that’s what i would do honestly…sweet sweet revenge for all the bad times, weggies,black eyes, and snatched lunch money.

Revenge on people can take many forms,from running over them with your car to sleeping with their girlfriends :P, cutting off their “only reason for existence” ;P in life ( the smart ones will understand).

Anyways,what are the coolest revenge techniques you guys have seen, or had a craving to try out on someone,Because you just know you want to try that cold cold food called revenge.. 😛

Try these out:

• smash the living crap out of your partners car using a shovel,baseball bat,or simply a socket wrench. When you are done doing this, leave a loving message. 🙂
• take red spice and rub it all inside his under garments….OH FUDGE that is gonna hurt.
• take a bucket of paint and empty it INSIDE his car,every where.
• shred his office clothes, orrr de-colour them using dyes, and food colors in the washing machine.
• Nothing quite says “Revenge” as much as spicing his food up so much so that his throat starts bleeding. 😛
• put nails/tacks in his trouser pockets 😀
• take out his cellphone battery and replace it with play doh, he’ll go insane just figuring why his phone isn’t working 😛
• a knife to all four tyres is good 🙂
• Finally you can literally kill with with THE BEST REVENGE; refuse to have sex, ANY FORM of it 😀 muahahaha

Spit it OUT…

My Momma always said life is like a box of chewing gum…….nooo my momma didn’t say SH!@…but life IS like a box of chewing gum,you keep on chewing it,the flavour doesn’t last for long and if you chew it long enough then throw it out it leaves your mouth with a bad after taste, and you know no matter how hard you try to keep chewing it would not last forever, it does have a few bubbles along the way but even they burst.

Life is a real hoe,i know, even i cant explain it…although i like it all Effed up myself, what i cant stand,what really grinds my gears is the fact that people telling me how good they are and stuff and they end up being worse than me. Obviously i get jealous that they hadnt have to bust their behinds over things and have gotten things done their way, they always end up effing my life up.

Sooo if no ones taking life seriously,why should i ? Eff this,all this time i have lived life as a nice person,being helpful doing stuff for people,lending my hand for the “overall” good just so i could get ahead in life,as it turns out,if you lie,cheat,steal maybe kill a kitten along the way just for fun, yo ujust might end up becoming the president of BP or some other rich maffaka.

We all need to take a step back and look at the REAL bad people in the world,in our country,its not the murderers and the rapists and the killers, its the institutions and the government which runs the country and these institutions,they are the real bad A!@ Mafakas as they go out their to screw you in the A!@ on purpose but make it out like they are doing it FOR YOU.

yes please Government,big companies,can you come and f!@# me in the ass because i need fuel, and electricity and effing bread.

It is just bullshit that life is hard enough for people like you and me. When was the last time you made it threw a full day without something going wrong? NEVER because it doesn’t happen unless your rich or someone from a government. or if your daddy is in the Government or IS the Government.

i feel sorry to tell you guys all this but this is just the way it is and you cant change it,so why even try? this is exactly what they want you to think, all you need to do is change the way you think and stop giving anyone a flying F!@#. In my words…if YOU cant have a good day,why should THEY?

if we try hard enough maybe the country will change one day and the world would suck a little less,if we cant then the world,our county will suck a little more everyday and the assf!@#ings will get harder each minute and they (Government and institutions and big companies) will use no lube. i am over it

Stop the AssF!@#ing NOW.

 

Office Boredom…>D

Its another one of those days at the office when you have nothing to do,all your work is either already complete or you never bothered completing it and do not intend to either heres a bunch of things you CAN do to kill time at the office :

Start gathering a team of office people for a sport that does not exist.

send and email to yourself every 1 minute,then call the IT dept and tell them that this has been happening continuously an you need it fixed immediately , after they “supposedly” fix the problem and leave, DO IT AGAIN.

Start a paper ball throwing competition in the office, when its your turn throw a colleagues phone in the basket instead and laugh hysterically.

If you see a colleague sitting with his shoes off, take one of his shoes and throw it in the trashcan.

Google/Facebook people with the same name as yours,find them,email them and tell them you want to name your first child after them :D.

Call up the IT Dept and tell them you are lonely.

Repeat after every  hour.

introduce yourself as your office colleague and walk away.

unplug your monitor,call the IT dept for help.

Order food from different eat out places using all your department colleagues name.

On a colleagues computer,write a detailed plan of how to take over the company, and make it as a desktop wallpaper on his screen, leave it open during a meeting and stare at it.

race someone in the office corridors and yell I WIN.

pretend you are yelling and having a fight with your Girlfriend on the phone.

Hug someone you do not know 😛 ( and make it count )

send ME and email.

Tell the receptionist that you are expecting your twin brother to come to the office,sneak out and come back in,asking for yourself :P.

Find a new employee,tell him its role swap day and that he is the new boss.

Play practical jokes on yourself and blame them on a co-worker.

Setup a meeting with your boss, ask him or her to sign a Non-Disclosure-Agreement. 😛

on the office noticeboard on in a public place,past a sheet,write what your colleagues probable salaries are and how  much you think they should be earning 😛

In a meeting, see how many times you can say “Moo”,Meow,Chickan,Impossibru,me gusta,and old wad.

Tell a new employee you suffer from OCD,and cnt stand dirt,take out a tissue and start cleaning his face,stop and repeat after every 15 mins. 😀

Call the IT Dept,tell them you have to pee.

Repeat the above every 10 minutes.

Ask a complete random colleague you want to be their friend.

Leave a note with the office Peons with a co-workers name telling them to clean out his drawers and desk of all things. 🙂

These should be enough to kill time at the office, and now you know how keep so “busy” everyday.

 

 

 

 

Haters gonna hate… An optimistic side to break ups

Who says Break ups are bad, like other things in life (excluding suicide :P) breaks ups have a brighter side to them too, Heres how :

Dieting is going to be so much more easier for you now, since heartbrokens lose appetite i heard 😛

since by now you must by swimming in I.O.Us to people who you borrowed money from to buy you ex those presents, smoking cigarettes like a chimney could very well be your best addiction and friend till you die alone…so go all John Wayne on them Marlboros 🙂

Since you tend to fall in love every 15…….Seconds…..you should be in love in exactly……Now, congrats you bad a@# you 🙂

You can finally go ahead and clean that room of yours,since half the stuff in it (shirts,pants,colognes,pictures 😛 ) would remind you of your ex,you should throw them in the “Memories” basket….preferably set it on fire 🙂

You get to feel like what poor people and artists in this country feel like….sad,depressed,lonely…..only difference is they have motivation and talent to come out of it….YOU son don’t 😀

its ok to cry during movies now and not feel stupid, dude “guys” cried during the Twilight movie, simply because thats the only place you can cry openly. (NOT).

You will finally understand and learn HOW TO DELETE PHONE NUMBERS from your address book.

when you look at your SMS inbox and you see “empty” written you will finally understand the importance of connecting with old friends…YA the ones you forgot, those old friends :D.

You get to finally reconnect with your pet.

You can try to convince your parents that they owe you money considering how much they saved since you aren’t going to have a wedding. KAACHIINGGG $$.

Watching your friends children have temper tantrums no longer has the same ominous implications and returns to just being plain funny.

You can finally get back to wearing those KEWL clothes for your night outs B-)

More or less in the end its gonna be pretty much ok….Life goes on and the world goes round as it is supposed to…it’ll be ok, promise :).